Does Anyone Else Know How to be a Woman?

I have gone through a small amount of time where I lost my voice as a writer. I haven’t been able to finish anything because I just dint think I had anything worthwhile to say. Finding myself in a gray, unhappy place I launched a journey of self-discovery and I found a lot of my unhappiness had to do with identity and femininity.

In the twenty-seven years that I have been shaped and molded on this earth I have fought, clawed, flew, risen high and overcome. However, I still feel as though I am trying to fit in to my own skin. I am launched back and forth between the zones of feeling too much and equally lacking or not enough.

I have two consciousness’ screaming that I am doing too much, taking it too far, I am too serious and also that I am not outgoing enough, trying hard enough, being the best kind of friends. I feel like I have never truly found or claimed my space as a woman in this world. I lack confidence in every aspect of my life and I am beginning to see the toll it is taking on both my goals and relationships. Some days I genuinely just don’t like myself.

I don’t know if other women feel this way, but I desperately desire a path that could lead me to some sort of understanding and acceptance of… me. I want to create a safe space where women can discuss being women: their struggles and triumphs and open ended questions for the universe. I don’t know if anyone will read it or if it will help anyone including myself.

My hope however, is to introduce a series of topics that turn into discussions where women can share their experiences and worries without fear of judgment. Where we can build on shared experiences and trials to become better versions of ourselves.

I am hoping that this becomes that space…

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Strange Lands: First Steps (Episode 1)

litokyoA little over six weeks ago I stepped onto an airplane with almost everything I owned and a brand new passport on a journeythat was terrifying, unbelievable, and completely shocking. I moved to Japan. Recently single and completely alone venturing to a country drastically different than my homeland. I was shocked by how much I hadn’t thought of and how utterly different the world was a mere eleven hours away from where I had been born. I felt utterly unprepared the second I stepped off the plane and still catch myself in a state of shock. I am utterly in awe of the beauty of this culture and the beauty that has emerged in a country that remained untouched and free of the influence of other cultures for so many years. I also cannot see an end to the possibilities that await me here.

I am scared. Constantly scared to offend the nationals by my tattoos being exposed or my voice being too loud or my complete lack of learning the language. I am also in love, in love with the kindness that is constantly showed to me when I am lost or confused and by the tradition that has remained intact in a country of so many people. I am so in love with the food and the spirits that are always new and different around every corner. My pallet is starved and refuses to be quenched until I have tried it all! I am a kid in a candy store, overwhelmkikied be the difference of sight and sound and the mixture of historic and modern that flows and ebbs seamlessly.

Mostly, I am thoughtful. I constantly look for the meanings of this society and what I can learn from them. I look at what I wish and hope they could learn shintobridgefrom us. I think about what the time here will produce through my hands. What I can do with this amazing opportunity. I am lonely. Often I spend time inside looking out. Never before have my differences been so blatantly apparent. But I remind my self to embrace that and rejoice in it. I am looking, seeing, tasting, feeling everything that is here for the taking. I am in Japan. It is an unbelievably strange land.

My whole life I have asked for adventure to be opened up to me. Now here I am in the midst of my biggest one yet. I’m not sure that my experience will be typical or entertaining but, Im going to write about it. I think that being in such a vastly different culture than my own has put a spotlight on my true self and turned this journey into one for the inside as much as the out. I am interested to see where we end up…

What if I fail?…

I think this is the question every person asks about their dreams: “What if I fail?” Dreams are risky, for most of us, admitting one’s true and deepest desires allows a sphere of fear to come to the surface. What happens if we go for the things that we truly want and then we fail? Or even worse, what if we succeed? I think one of the key things I have witnessed myself doing as well as many of my friends is going for goals that are not necessarily what we truly want, but what we think is practical and achievable what we think is realistic. jordan

I have an amazing job in the military I am challenged every single day and I get to travel all over the world. I am writing from a hotel room in Japan for Pete’s sake! But as good as I am at this job and as simple as it could be to turn this into a career and stay in a world that is sheltered and secure in a lot of ways (even though it is also difficult and trying and extremely challenging) I know that when I am truly honest with myself this is not what I am really passionate about. Every single time I take a cold hard look at myself and honestly think about the life I want to live, I see a world of traveling and writing and music with a sprinkle of politics and activism  mixed in. I miss working in radio. I miss writing and having people react to my work. i miss creating and making music and jewelry and being inspired by the world! These are things that I shut out for so many reasons but the number one is FEAR.
I stopped blogging because I didn’t have the time and then just because I was scared to start again. Who is going to want to read these things that escape from my brain to my fingertips? Am I too old to keep trying to perform and sing when I will be fiver years older by the time I can actually give music my full attention? My mind is full of doubts. I had to go deep inside my mind and search my heart and then be brutally honest with myself. The result:

jenna marblesDreams are hard. Failure is certain. These two things are facts and old news to boot. It seems so much easier to fail at things that are secondary. Failing at the things you want more than anything else is hurtful and hard to overcome. It’s nothing new but it is something that is easy to forget. In the end I have decided that being happy is worth the struggle. Everyone deserves to do something they love for a living and with so many successful people making it “big” later in life I really have no excuse! So I have a lot of learning ahead of me. I have to get back in to writing without the security blanket of school and work and the excuses of writing for anything but the joy of writing. Here goes nothing…

Just Let Me Be

I know that being the Debby Downer makes me a tough person to work with. I fully understand that it is awkward to see someone on the verge of tears, and that sometimes there is work to be done. But I am not the type of person to let my emotions interfere with my end product….

So please, leave me the fuck alone! There is a difference between people who genuinely care about you and show concern and the people who clearly just want you to be happy because your mood is an inconvenience. I seem to be surrounded by the latter. Work and my personal life have conspired to turn into giant parallel balls of stress simultaneously and I really needed to just let out some of the stress, cry, mope, and embrace the silence solo. But this seems to bother some of the perkier people at work. In their tone I just hear, “Why aren’t you talking to me? Show me attention, dammit!”

My job is stressful all the time. Every day I am the first one there and often times one of the last ones to leave. I work hard because I believe that it is the best way to earn respect and recognition and because I take pride in how people see me. I want to produce a good product no matter what career field I happen to be in at the moment. Always be building a team of support and lifelong references. So naturally, I am usually a pleasant person at work and a reliable helping hand.

However, that doesn’t mean that I am not human. I reached a breaking point this week and right as I was digging myself out of the dark place I was approached by a person in my division who doesn’t know me very well. She asked me what was wrong and after opening up to her she responded by invalidating my worries and putting the blame in my court for my own problems. This is someone who is younger than me and doesn’t know me very well shrugging off my situation as basically an overreaction. You know I just wanted to scream or sigh and remove myself from her presence. Eveyone’s problems effect them differently.

For me, my Achilles heel is finical troubles. I grew up struggling and I am STILL struggling. Sometimes the stress just breaks my back and I need to be upset. I need to let myself mope before I get back on the horse and gallop through the rain. I DON’T need you to tell me how awesome you are doing and that I should just get over it. You make twice as much money as I do so yeah. I can see how it was a little easier for you. I worked three jobs to put myself through college.

We are all humans and I don’t understand why it is so hard to just let someone feel these days. I don’t mean a person who is over-dramatic and cries at every drop of a hat. But sometimes you just gotta feel bad for yourself. You have to let out the bad before you can embrace your blessings and make a plan for your struggles. Sometimes, feeling forced back into the light makes me retreat deeper into the shadows and I just wish people took some time before they through empty solutions at you.

Scared but Ready for Change

newbeginsSo today is the first day of a fitness bootcamp that I signed up for a few weeks ago. In my new leaf of change I decided that I could not keep half assign my goals and expecting that they will come true. It is time to be truly dedicated. Surprisingly enough I see people in the navy gaining weight everyday because we are surrounded by vending machines and food trucks, working twelve hours a day at times with few healthy options. As someone who joined the military struggling to meet the standards I am always afraid of falling below the mark.

But on the other hand I never seem to be able to stick with a fitness plan. Once you skip a workout or two it becomes easier and easier to skip a few more until you look back and realized that you haven’t been down to gym in over a month. I am tired of giving up, tired of making excuses and ready to what it takes to get my confidence back. I know how latermuch better I feel when my life is active and filled with good choices and so I am making a more conscious effort to make more healthy ways   to spend my time and fuel my body and mind.

So wish me luck friends. Im so fucking scared of looking like a joke in front of these beautiful Cali health nuts! haha But so excited because these guys will get me to my goal: a happier healthier life….

Loving Me or at Least Learning to…

Fellow Texas and amazing role model/ super girl Alexis Jones!

Fellow Texas and amazing role model/ super girl Alexis Jones!

The past week or so I have been reading “I AM THAT GIRL” by Alexis Jones. It is a motivational and inspirational book that deals a lot with learning to accept yourself and discover your passions, going after them with a vengeance. Its another one of those books that tells you a lot of things you already know inside (in addition to some new) but in a new perspective and finally at a time that I am willing to truly listen.

As I stated before, I recently realized how deeply my life and self needed to change. A month after I turned 25 I had to accept that what I was doing was not working. I was not happy and it was really no one’s fault but my own. But as I grow and start to change I am working on all the things I want to change and trying to rediscover some old passions so that hopefully I can turn them into a career.

With this undertaking the biggest issue is learning to love myself. Defining what love is to me is difficult. But a big part of it is acceptance and warmth and encouragement. I have never been one to encourage my own dreams. I always relied on the people around me to validate my goals and talents. To approve of my style and tell me that I was beautiful. But I never told myself and therefore have never really believed in my own allure or beauty or ability to accomplish the things I really want in life. In my wildest dreams I would be a singer not wildly famous but enough to get by and a writer, a writer of songs and books and poetry. But even as I type that I realize that I already am those things in some aspects and I ave to give myself credit where credit is due. While some people become divas and can only see their own achievements above everyone else’s I find a crippling ability to recognize mine and I deeply want to change that.

Jones repeatedly tells her audience that we are enough. We have enough, we do enough, and we ARE enough. We cannot succumb to the inner pressures, as well as the societal ones, to be perfect because we already are: “perfectly flawed.” I am tired of hating my nose or not feeling skinny enough and comparing myself to my gorgeous friends. I am now taking all the time I have spent being jealous of others and using it to feel better about myself and my life. It is a really good life.

love-yourselfI think a lot of bonds have been broken because of my fears that were projected onto others and judgments made out of my own fears of a lack of approval. For one, I have already had the approval of the people in my life who matter most. And secondly, the most important approval for me to have is my own. So why is it so hard to give?!?!

I am not sure how long it will take to break this cycle of self hatred but I am working on it everyday. I am slowly regaining the hope and faith that my choices were made because they were the best for me at the time. And the choices I will make from now on will not be made out of fear, but out of a desire for growth and adventure and passion for all that life has to offer.

When I look at the past, I see a lot of wondering what the point was, a lot of times in pain and not wanting to live at all. I spent a lot of time, hating other girls and talking badly about them out of jealousy and as a means to bond with my friends. But I am leaving that behind. I am forgiving myself for my weaknesses, my mistakes, and my flaws. I am sending a big apology to those who I hated because I thought the grass was greener on your side, and I wish you luck and love and all the happiness in the world. Women have to stop tearing down other women and start lifting them up as well as themselves.

Here and now I am choosing to be happy. Nothing extreme has changed in my life, only my attitude. But all of the burdens, challenges and traumas that have held me down before. I am choosing to embrace as a part of who I have become and I will only use them as fuel for my strength and proof that I am resilient. I am learning to accept myself slowly. Everytime I think a negative thought about myself or another person I replace it with a positive one and I plan to continue doing it until the negativity is a rare occurrence instead of an initial response.

I know, deep down that the goals I have for myself are not easy ones to overcome but if I fail, I don’t want it to be because I didn’t try or that I shied away from fear, or that I didn’t give all my effort to it. I want to fail because I put my heart and soul into the project and met everyone I could, and learned everything I could along the way, but because it just was not what was meant to be for me at the time. I don’t want any more time in my life to be wasted. badss

Starting Over

Hey Guys,
I know I haven’t written in a while. I hit a bit of a downward spiral that sucked me into a black hole of depression and self pity. But this is the New Year of shiny 2015! I haven’t made any resolutions but I have made a plan, not only for the year but for my life as a whole.
I took a deep look at myself and why I wasn’t happy. I honestly haven’t been happy for a very long time and it was only getting worse. The past few months had gotten devastatingly bad and I couldn’t understand why I was so extremely miserable almost all of the time. I realized that the biggest obstacle was myself. I have spent the past year letting all the good things turn sour because of a negative self image and a constant comparing of myself to other people. i was insanely jealous and resentful of people who were supposed to be my closest friends! I’ve started making changes and slowly my life is coming back together and along with it are a lot of reality checks that I really am my own worst enemy if I want to be.
I have made a lot of excuses before as to why I wasn’t happy namely i thought it was because I wasn’t doing something that I was passionate about. That I wasn’t passionate anymore because I let the Navy consume my life and that really is not true.
The truth is that I love being in the Navy. I love serving my country and working with people from all over the world while traveling all over the world. Being a service member is hard but it is also an amazing life experience and I know in my heart that, though I might have made the decision in part to run away, it was the RIGHT choice.
I realized that I gave up writing and singing and a healthy lifestyle, all the things I loved, slowly and of my own free will in exchange for laying in bed, binge watching Netflix and overeating. Thus I became an emotional, slightly chubby, jealous and self-loathing sot.
So no more! I am back to blogging, writing down the everyday. I have no idea what this blog will become but I am going to let it evolve naturally and see what I can make of it.
I am going to sing again, even if it is only at open mics and karaoke bars, and I am going to start going to musicals and ballets and let the music back into my life.
And I am going to get fit again! I don’t have a kitchen right now, so the eating will be a challenge but I have signed up for a 6 week bootcamp and Krav Maga and I am going to kick butt! I am 25 years old and I have to get back to enjoying life before it completely passes me by.
Self pity is for the birds y’all…