Scared but Ready for Change

newbeginsSo today is the first day of a fitness bootcamp that I signed up for a few weeks ago. In my new leaf of change I decided that I could not keep half assign my goals and expecting that they will come true. It is time to be truly dedicated. Surprisingly enough I see people in the navy gaining weight everyday because we are surrounded by vending machines and food trucks, working twelve hours a day at times with few healthy options. As someone who joined the military struggling to meet the standards I am always afraid of falling below the mark.

But on the other hand I never seem to be able to stick with a fitness plan. Once you skip a workout or two it becomes easier and easier to skip a few more until you look back and realized that you haven’t been down to gym in over a month. I am tired of giving up, tired of making excuses and ready to what it takes to get my confidence back. I know how latermuch better I feel when my life is active and filled with good choices and so I am making a more conscious effort to make more healthy ways   to spend my time and fuel my body and mind.

So wish me luck friends. Im so fucking scared of looking like a joke in front of these beautiful Cali health nuts! haha But so excited because these guys will get me to my goal: a happier healthier life….

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Loving Me or at Least Learning to…

Fellow Texas and amazing role model/ super girl Alexis Jones!

Fellow Texas and amazing role model/ super girl Alexis Jones!

The past week or so I have been reading “I AM THAT GIRL” by Alexis Jones. It is a motivational and inspirational book that deals a lot with learning to accept yourself and discover your passions, going after them with a vengeance. Its another one of those books that tells you a lot of things you already know inside (in addition to some new) but in a new perspective and finally at a time that I am willing to truly listen.

As I stated before, I recently realized how deeply my life and self needed to change. A month after I turned 25 I had to accept that what I was doing was not working. I was not happy and it was really no one’s fault but my own. But as I grow and start to change I am working on all the things I want to change and trying to rediscover some old passions so that hopefully I can turn them into a career.

With this undertaking the biggest issue is learning to love myself. Defining what love is to me is difficult. But a big part of it is acceptance and warmth and encouragement. I have never been one to encourage my own dreams. I always relied on the people around me to validate my goals and talents. To approve of my style and tell me that I was beautiful. But I never told myself and therefore have never really believed in my own allure or beauty or ability to accomplish the things I really want in life. In my wildest dreams I would be a singer not wildly famous but enough to get by and a writer, a writer of songs and books and poetry. But even as I type that I realize that I already am those things in some aspects and I ave to give myself credit where credit is due. While some people become divas and can only see their own achievements above everyone else’s I find a crippling ability to recognize mine and I deeply want to change that.

Jones repeatedly tells her audience that we are enough. We have enough, we do enough, and we ARE enough. We cannot succumb to the inner pressures, as well as the societal ones, to be perfect because we already are: “perfectly flawed.” I am tired of hating my nose or not feeling skinny enough and comparing myself to my gorgeous friends. I am now taking all the time I have spent being jealous of others and using it to feel better about myself and my life. It is a really good life.

love-yourselfI think a lot of bonds have been broken because of my fears that were projected onto others and judgments made out of my own fears of a lack of approval. For one, I have already had the approval of the people in my life who matter most. And secondly, the most important approval for me to have is my own. So why is it so hard to give?!?!

I am not sure how long it will take to break this cycle of self hatred but I am working on it everyday. I am slowly regaining the hope and faith that my choices were made because they were the best for me at the time. And the choices I will make from now on will not be made out of fear, but out of a desire for growth and adventure and passion for all that life has to offer.

When I look at the past, I see a lot of wondering what the point was, a lot of times in pain and not wanting to live at all. I spent a lot of time, hating other girls and talking badly about them out of jealousy and as a means to bond with my friends. But I am leaving that behind. I am forgiving myself for my weaknesses, my mistakes, and my flaws. I am sending a big apology to those who I hated because I thought the grass was greener on your side, and I wish you luck and love and all the happiness in the world. Women have to stop tearing down other women and start lifting them up as well as themselves.

Here and now I am choosing to be happy. Nothing extreme has changed in my life, only my attitude. But all of the burdens, challenges and traumas that have held me down before. I am choosing to embrace as a part of who I have become and I will only use them as fuel for my strength and proof that I am resilient. I am learning to accept myself slowly. Everytime I think a negative thought about myself or another person I replace it with a positive one and I plan to continue doing it until the negativity is a rare occurrence instead of an initial response.

I know, deep down that the goals I have for myself are not easy ones to overcome but if I fail, I don’t want it to be because I didn’t try or that I shied away from fear, or that I didn’t give all my effort to it. I want to fail because I put my heart and soul into the project and met everyone I could, and learned everything I could along the way, but because it just was not what was meant to be for me at the time. I don’t want any more time in my life to be wasted. badss

Starting Over

Hey Guys,
I know I haven’t written in a while. I hit a bit of a downward spiral that sucked me into a black hole of depression and self pity. But this is the New Year of shiny 2015! I haven’t made any resolutions but I have made a plan, not only for the year but for my life as a whole.
I took a deep look at myself and why I wasn’t happy. I honestly haven’t been happy for a very long time and it was only getting worse. The past few months had gotten devastatingly bad and I couldn’t understand why I was so extremely miserable almost all of the time. I realized that the biggest obstacle was myself. I have spent the past year letting all the good things turn sour because of a negative self image and a constant comparing of myself to other people. i was insanely jealous and resentful of people who were supposed to be my closest friends! I’ve started making changes and slowly my life is coming back together and along with it are a lot of reality checks that I really am my own worst enemy if I want to be.
I have made a lot of excuses before as to why I wasn’t happy namely i thought it was because I wasn’t doing something that I was passionate about. That I wasn’t passionate anymore because I let the Navy consume my life and that really is not true.
The truth is that I love being in the Navy. I love serving my country and working with people from all over the world while traveling all over the world. Being a service member is hard but it is also an amazing life experience and I know in my heart that, though I might have made the decision in part to run away, it was the RIGHT choice.
I realized that I gave up writing and singing and a healthy lifestyle, all the things I loved, slowly and of my own free will in exchange for laying in bed, binge watching Netflix and overeating. Thus I became an emotional, slightly chubby, jealous and self-loathing sot.
So no more! I am back to blogging, writing down the everyday. I have no idea what this blog will become but I am going to let it evolve naturally and see what I can make of it.
I am going to sing again, even if it is only at open mics and karaoke bars, and I am going to start going to musicals and ballets and let the music back into my life.
And I am going to get fit again! I don’t have a kitchen right now, so the eating will be a challenge but I have signed up for a 6 week bootcamp and Krav Maga and I am going to kick butt! I am 25 years old and I have to get back to enjoying life before it completely passes me by.
Self pity is for the birds y’all…